Seamstress Of The Soul

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It seems the soul
Has half this and half that
Ride along
Residing on both sides
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KennedyBaby’s Stream of Consciousness 1

I’m tired of loving, of longing for the possibility of rekindled romance. I’m bored wanting one specific man. I don’t know if this is hope lost, or me coming to my senses. But I know I’m not enjoying desiring something in the far off future. Some fantasy. I’m not quite sure how I feel. I feel a wave, a rumbling, a storm of some sort coming. One that may wash away further impurities, and flush me with the gold I so warmly embrace.

Fantasy:

1. imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained.
2. the forming of mental images, especially wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing.
3. a mental imageespecially when unreal or fantasticvisiona nightmare fantasy.
4. Psychology an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.
5. a hallucination.
 
Unrestricted by reality. Illusory or far-fetched…implying it is unlikely to actually happen in reality. But fantasies from your imagination, that’s the material that actually manifests in your real world…it may not be exact, but the concepts behind the illusions do come to life. Every second. So why is it I have a problem with my desire? Because it’s perhaps depending on the future to complete itself, or manifest…it is conditional to the “far off future,” so therefore it will never really happen the way I’ve framed it? I would perhaps be or have been in a state of perpetual waiting.
So why am I waiting? Because I know there are more things I want to refine and blossom before I give way to my daydreams of love.  And that implies that my current state is inferior, not good enough for true love.  That I don’t deserve affection..But I’m not sure that’s the bottom of it..
One definition for love is: a need or require; greatly benefit from.
Another is: infused with or feeling deep affection or passion.
“All’s fair in love and war” Meaning people in love and soldiers in war are NOT bound by the rules of fair play.
So essentially, I see putting the divine, love, above any social constraints. Hurting others is insignificant and may be incurred when playing for the heart. Hmm…
“Tarry is a somewhat archaic word for wait but it suggests lingering, perhaps aimlessly delaying, or pausing (briefly) in a journey.”
Waiting usually has a definite purpose, but either way I am delaying progress, delaying action for some reason. Another definition is to “wait on” people…serving them in a way..implying that I have some service to perform. 
My real “service” would be my music, my voice, my passion.
But I am not serving that on the menu, at least not yet, though I’ve put out a few samplers…I guess my main concern is teaching other people the ways of enlightenment in any way I can. Raising other people up. Then learning from every word these people say, learning, absorbing, letting my curiosity take hold, and flourish in the pool of constant streaming ideas.
 
To Be Continued….
Love love love to all
 

Unedited Musings; Unordered Thoughts

Tendency to take step 3 before step 2,

Unordered, hovering and buzzing around

Instead of standing with feet solidly on the ground

Grounded. Needs. Address those needs. Identify the problem, identify possible solutions, take action immediately to pursue the solution that feels best to you.

Intuition. That’s what has kept me afloat. I’ve been running amuck, head stuck in the sand or something for a great while, but I still have my intuition throughout all of it. It’s a gift. My unique gift. I should use it to benefit the people around me. To benefit the world. Garbage. Contained, packaged, not fresh, recycled terminology. I didn’t learn much else though..or did I? And blocked it all out. I remember climbing out a window, being sneaky, doing things that are, just out of the ordinary on purpose. Me and a friend one time BOTH drove from the driver’s seat of his Benz (caution, maybe don’t try that at home). Making a joke out of everything. Those times you are with friends and do something that is strange but spontaneous, not ordinary, but thrilling, just because. Let’s steal your sisters birthday cake, grab a bottle of Martinellis, and sneak through the backyard of the neighbors house, mind you it was the loudest thing of my life crunching in all those leaves down a steep hill. Gia was falling the whole way down and it was so funny, and we get to the bottom, realize we don’t have a bottle opener, so we just crack it on the fence, slice off the top, we’re having a ball, and I guess I was feeling upset about an ex fling, so we ended up spelling xander=pussy or something like that in pads along the bike trail. WHO DOES THAT? Yeah, so just getting together with people who totally accept you for you, and spontaneously doing something CRAZY. SPONTANEITY. over order. over a system that stunts and perverts the free flow of the human mind, the human body, the human condition. Crazy in a good way, crazy in a bad way. Craze, I’m crazed over Justin Bieber. CRAZED. obsessed. attaching your emotions to an object or a person. You are transferring your experience onto him. He is a blank canvas, especially for you. Project your desires, emotions, onto celebrities, putting a lot of PRESSURE for them to conform to a dispersed idea of who they should be. And when they deviate (which is completely relative), we resent that. Because they are not reflecting the right picture. They are not picture perfect. They are just in pictures looking perfect.

And they are not a reflection of you. Well, I guess they are in a way. We mirror each other because we are of the same species. Of the same origin. Of the same materiality. But it’s as if people put their expectations for THEMSELVES onto other people, and the manifestation of those expectations peaks when the expectations are not met within themselves.  So how can we expect the same from those around us? It’s distorted, and won’t work.  We should not expect ANYTHING, for goodness sake. We should eliminate the crazed path of expectation, and switch to gratefulness, not expecting, just hoping. Hoping is of different origin than expectations. Expectations are not of root origin, of real value. And that’s the problem, is VALUE. We have created SO many smoke & mirror distractions to cover up the lack of quality, lack of value, lack of PURPOSE. When you are made of plastic, you end up at the dump…or that huge garbage island in the ocean. So how did we learn to emulate the plastic ways of life?

Well, true value shines so bright, many don’t really believe it’s real, so I guess they write it off as plastic, but still subconsciously desire to shine like that. Hence, the superficial way of copying everything that enhances, but nothing that enriches.

But the real value, the real prize, is purpose. Direction. What direction are you going in? WHY? Are you following your heart, or are you following something outside of yourself?

Blooming Obsolescence

At times, I find myself utterly unappreciative of anything sentimental, and this is so strange, of course, coming from me, a constant contradiction. At my core, I am probably the most sentimental person you’ll meet. The other day, I attended my friend’s Grandmother’s birthday lunch.  Actually, it was his Great Grandmother.  And that gave me even more of a reason to tear up at the table, while she was reading her cards aloud. Mind you, the people who are actually related to her are peacefully sitting in their seat, almost unaware that they are even at a birthday party. 

Another illustration; I’m at the grocery store, and some kid is whining about his beloved Frosted Flakes, which really means he wants Mom’s attention. Meanwhile Mom is, no surprise, conveniently sidetracked and therefore bothered by the spew of vocal jibber jabber that seems to be erupting from the front seat of her shopping cart.  Now, here I stand oohing and ahhing at the protein bars, shifting my weight incessantly, feeling my face cringe involuntarily in disgust as this lady blatantly embodies a merciless jerk.  Harsh words, and even harsher consequences.  I can’t stand the smell of hate, so I quickly find a more productive route, pick up two boxes of Frosted Flakes and pop them in the family’s cart.  Can’t promise she bought them, but at least that prolonged stare I gave her while doing it probably caught her attention.  

But then, there are those times, distanced from something, I find not a thread of significance in sentimental matters. My eyes glaze over reading beautiful poetry, and I actually find it quite pathetic.  I’m just being honest.  When I know, logically, everything is significant.  But then again, I guess nothing is significant.  I think I’m really getting somewhere with this…hahaha

Cherry On Top

cute_girls_with_ice_cream_16

I desire love and success

Simple, yet infinitely complex

To have a fierce lover with comedic tendencies

Oh the thrill of pure passion, when our adventure takes us on a tease

You might find it a bit forward, but I really dare to please

Um, love and success, pretty pretty please?